LATELY: Oil! Underwater!

Spillage and footage courtesy of BP.

LATELY: Iceland, Iran

Finally, those who worry that recent volcanic explosions in Iceland are corrupting the air quality in Iran, can suspend. Mohammad Reza Masjedi, of the International Union Against Tuberculosis and Lung Diseases (IUATLD) in the Middle East, has determined that emissions of Icelandic carbon dioxide and ash only "reach the skies of Iran at high altitude, which lowers the possible hazard to public health." Curious, then, that the man polished off his official statement with a warning of lingering danger, concluding that the eruption "may pose a serious threat to the environment and could alter the ecosystem of the whole country."

In any case, here's how a volcano works:

BANG: How the West Was Won

Ronnie Lee Gardner, condemned to death in Utah since 1985, has requested that his execution be delivered by firing squad. A state judge signed his death warrant on Friday, and ordered the firing to commence in June. The last Utah prisoner to be executed in such a fashion was the rapist and murderer John Albert Taylor, who in 1996 was hooded and bound in a chair when lawmen began to fire at the cloth target taped over his heart.

Ronnie Lee Gardner has been approaching a similiar fate since 1985, when after attempting to escape from a Salt Lake City courthouse he shot an attorney in the head. (Gardner's woman-friend met him there and she slipped him the gun he fired.) The five-person squad whose task it will be to fatally wound Gardner on June 18 will be selected by the state's Correctional Department, along with one alternate and one 'team leader.' They will all be anonymous and certified peace officers.

Read the entire report and case history in The Salt Lake Tribune.

LATELY: The Americas Page

"Dozens of gunmen were involved in the attacks, which occurred at 3 a.m. and were bold even by Mexican standards."

-Marc Lacey, reporting from Mexico City.

CONSIDER: Orbital Romance

As it happens, NASA spacecraft and German Romanticsm follow remarkably similar trajectories:

One image has the Times tracing the route of the Cassini spacecraft, now circling Saturn, while the other arrives from Marianne Thalmann's Literary Sign Language of German Romanticism, and claims to depict E.T.A. Hoffmann's 1816 novelette "The Nutcracker and Mouse King."

THE VIEW FROM ABOVE: Eyjafjallajokull

As observed from space. The Daily Mail thinks the volcano resembles Edvard Munch's, The Scream.

"Coincidentally," the Mail goes on, "it is thought that the masterpiece was inspired by the blood red skies caused by the powerful volcanic eruption of Krakatoa in 1883."

What's more, this singular image has seemed to evoke rather severe notions of reticence, apocalypse, and contemptuousness from the Mail's readership. That is a ticklish body indeed-

charlie, USA: "It was a natural disaster that was bound to happen sooner than later;"

Aaron, Little Rock, AK: "Sin is causing the land to spew us out;"

Outraged67, corresponding from Hate-town: "It is not a sign of the second coming of ANYTHING. scare mungering muppets..."

-they bat around epithets and have a damned grand time doing it.

SEE (IT).

APRIL QUERY: Wonder and Deep Sea Diving

So far as we can tell from our present knowledge, life has come into existence only twice in all the cosmos-- upon Mars and upon the Earth. The latter was a momentous occasion and of infinitely greater import to us than any other-- except one.

This exception I call the First Wonderer; and it has become very real to me since I saw the expression on the face of a man, sculptured in bronze, squatting in the center of the great drawing room of the Bohemian Club in San Francisco. He is half-seated, half-crouched, and with two flints he has just struck a spark. But the expression in his face is not amazement at the flash, not astonishment at something new, not mental adumbration of future possible uses-- but a struggling wonder at the half-realization that he knows he is wondering.

From "Thoughts on Diving" by William Beebe, as published by Harper's Monthly Magazine in April, 1933.

INTRODUCTIONS: The New Bill

The $100 bill has freshly arrived from its mint, and this time boasts of intaglio printing, gold, and a third dimension. Here are two views of the bill, one with back lighting and the other without. You, too, can explore the new note--even take a virtual tour--and observe as it responds under various scope and to such exotic fare as ultraviolet ray. GET IT.

SPOKEN ROMANCE: Sylvia Plath, Ted Hughes

The British Library has acquired for its archives a first edition of the literary magazine, Saint Botolph's Review, which was founded in part by Ted Hughes. Their copy is stained by wine.

The Library has also released a recording that features the voices of Hughes and Sylvia Plath, who first met at a party to celebrate the Review's debut. In the tape, the two poets discuss their early courtship and marriage, as well as that first night's acquaintance. To see it, hear it, FOLLOW.

ENDEARING TO THE END: The Enquirer

The recipients of this year's Pulitzer Prizes were named earlier this week, and, alas, the National Enquirer was not among them; it was beat by The Washington Post and New York Times.

Its excitement dampered, the paper was nevertheless noble and even spirited in defeat: says Executive Editor Barry Levine, "We're disappointed, we thought we should have won. But we think we have new found respectability and credibility just for going through this process."

The Enquirer was considered a finalist for its investigative report of the John Edwards affair and scandal.

UPDATE: Volcano Takes Europe

Yesterday, Eyjafjallajokull erupted for the second time since March, forcing more than 800 people from Iceland. Of those evacuated, not all were tourists-- who have arrived in gaggles for their volcano encounters ever since the first eruption.

Glacial waters flood, Europe is engulfed in a cloud of ash; all air travel is suspended, the planes won't fly. Katla broods.

ON DETROIT: Andrew Moore

The New York Review's blog, in its "roving thoughts and provocations," has come upon Andrew Moore and his beautiful and strange and terrible photographs of Detroit. These are some of them.

National Time, Detroit

Walden Street, Detroit

Ballroom, Lee Plaza Hotel

Car Wash Cafe, East Jefferson Avenue

Model T HQ, Detroit

See the entire series, "Detroit Disassembled," on the artist's website.

LATELY: Disappearing Glaciers, at Glacier

Glacier National Park, of Northwestern Montana, has lost two more of the icefields for which it is famous. According to Discovery News, the latest two to fall below the 25 acre threshold had "shrunk by roughly 55 percent since the mid-1960s." Once boasting as many as 150 glaciers, the Park now counts only 25, and scientists warn that those, too, could disappear before the decade's end.

We pause here to commend the prescience of Discovery News: after delivering the troubling item from above, it is as if the editors there heard our collective sigh and immediately sought to supplant despondency with wonder. They succeeded; turns out that global warming also stimulates mountain growth.

CONTEST WINNER: A Society of Wargamers

Here we have "Hutaree," and the winning image from our March 31 coloring contest. Note the extreme peril of both Christian and foe, also the general air of confusion. Congratulations to the Hong Kong Society of Wargamers, whose fine work may be seen in full, HERE.

MOTS JUSTES: Classifying Mystical Experiences

Here are some of the words and phrases culled by Bishop Rovenius from the mystical literature of his time-- the seventeenth century:

Inflaming Transubstantiations;

Super-Essential Unions;

Absorbent Enthusiasms;

Abyssmal Liquefactions;

Deific Confrications;

Insupportable Assaults;

Hypercelestial Penetrations;

Spiritual Shamelessness;

and

Meridian Holocausts In A Visceral And Medullar Penetrability.

For more literature and science, READ IT.

INTRODUCTIONS: Varanus bitatawa

This is one of our first images of the giant lizard recently discovered in the Phillippines. It has been named Varanus bitatawa.

Scientists say the lizard can grow about six and half feet long, is "incredibly secretive," and spends nearly all of its life in trees more than 66 feet high. Varanus bitatawa has evolved to be strictly vegetarian, and its males have likewise developed a double penis, which points in two directions.

LATELY: It's Every Republican For Itself

Tom Fetzer, head of North Carolina's Republican Party and member of the National Committee, has come forward to call for the Committee Chairman's resignation. He is of the opinion that, at this point, the best service Michael Steele could offer would be to "graciously step aside and allow the party to move on from this current quagmire."

The current quagmire metastasized last week, after the media began to print embarrassing reports of the RNC's (mis)handling of party funds (SEE: Club Voyeur). Mr. Fetzer is the first to suggest that Mr. Steele resign.

INVESTIGATION: The 2007 Apache Attack

In July of 2007, American forces took aim and fired from Apache helicopters upon one dozen individuals in Baghdad. Those killed were suspected to have been militants, and in possession of weaponry. In the aftermath of the killings, it became apparent that the American servicemen were mistaken, and that the group on the street that afternoon were not militants, but included two photojournalists from the news agency, Reuters. What were thought to have been rocket launchers were, in fact, telephoto lenses.

Now, video footage of the episode has been leaked to the whistle-blowing website, wikileaks.org, which publishes unattributed, purportedly classified material. In the video, Apache operators can be heard as they attempt to identify the figures on the ground, wait for a good shot, and then "engage" what was essentially a news crew. This knowledge puts into stark relief the comments heard in the footage, as when, upon learning that a child has taken a wound to the belly, one serviceman says, "Well, it's their fault for bringing their kids into a battle." (A transcription of that afternoon's conversation may be read here.)

In its official response to the tape, Central Command affirmed that it has "no current plans to reinvestigate or review this combat action." It did, however, conduct a rather serious review of the website, WikiLeaks.

For more information about the site, SEE the Harvard-helmed Citizen Media Law Project.

HEADLINES: Revolt in Kyrgyzstan, as it happens

KYRGYZ PRESIDENT WILLING TO RESIGN, WITH CONDITIONS

CNN

KYRGYZ PRESIDENT ACCUSED OF LOOTING

CNN International

KYRGYZSTAN: COUP IN A U.S. ALLIED COUNTRY

ABC News

40 DEAD IN ANTI-GOVERNMENT PROTESTS IN KYRGYZSTAN

Voice of America

17 KILLED AS KYRGYZSTAN PROTESTORS CLASH WITH POLICE

Times Online

KYRGYZSTAN GOVERNMENT OUSTED IN VIOLENT REVOLT

Sydney Morning Herald

KYRGYZ UPRISING SEIZES SECURITY HQ

Associated Press

KYRGYZ OPPOSITION SAYS IT HAS TAKEN POWER

Washington Post

OPPOSITION CLAIMS CENTRAL CONTROL IN KYRGYZSTAN

New York Times

RUSSIA NOT INVOLVED IN KYRGYZ EVENTS - PUTIN

RIA Novosti

STATE OF EMERGENCY IN BISHKEK

BBC

KYRGYZ LEADER HAS FLED; OPPOSITION MAY BE IN CONTROL

National Public Radio

KYRGYZSTAN OPPOSITION 'IN CHARGE'

Al Jazeera

LATELY: Phenomenal Adverts

From Harpers magazine, April 2010.

NOSTALGIA FOR: The River of No Return

-Kinda crazy, ain't they?

-What's that?

-The times. White man chasing gold, Indian chasing white man, army chasing the Indians.

-You like that rifle, keep it.

-What are you chasing, Matt?

Starring Marilyn Monroe as mining camp chanteuse Kay Weston; and Robert Mitchum as Matt Calder, a farmer with a past.

POST SCRIPT: UbyKotex

What follows is the complete script from a new commercial for UbyKotex tampons.

Hi.

I'm a believably attractive eighteen to twenty-four-year old female.

You can relate to me because I'm racially ambiguous, and I'm in this tampon commercial because market research shows girls like you love girls like me.

Don't all these angles make me seem dynamic?

Now I'm going to tell you to buy something:

Buy the same tampons I use.

Because I'm wearing white pants, and I have good hair, and you wish you could be me.

UbyKotex, a new line of tampons, pads, and liners.

SEE IT.

LATELY: Black Widows

In October 2002, a group of veiled woman seized a Moscow theater and took for hostage its 850 patrons. For more than two days, the women kept guard and demanded Russian forces be withdrawn from Chechnya; it was not until Special Agents pumped a sleep-inducing gas from the air ducts that the state regained control of the theater. As the agents entered the slumbering house, they shot and killed the captors, who were all dressed in black. Once their identities were uncovered, it was reported that all 40 women had lost their Chechen husbands at the hands of the Russians; they were named "The Black Widows."

Now, almost a decade later, Russia's fear of the Black Widows has been reawakened. The Associated Press reported today that one of the two female suicide bombers who attacked the Moscow subway system on March 29 was a 17-year old widow, from the province of Dagestan in the Northern Caucasus region. The other bomber, 20-years old, is also believed to have travelled to Moscow from Chechyna.

In his piece for the Times, Russian novelist Sergey Kuznetsov struck perhaps the most premonitory note of all: "After the bombings, it was said that Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was starting his next presidential campaign." Read it in full, here.

CONSIDER: Stimulation at Moral Junction

Scientists at MIT are prepared to confirm what many already suspected: human morality is not incorruptible.

New experiments there have targeted the area of our brain-- the right temporo-parietal junction-- that becomes active once we begin to morally reflect. By means of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, that area may now be so-stimulated to temporarily impair the brain's ability to weigh morally-freighted scenarios.

In one trial, subjects were asked to judge a man who allows his girlfriend to cross a bridge he knows to be unsafe; the girlfriend survives, but is the man still morally delinquent? For more information, and their answers, READ IT.

REMEMBERING: June Hovac

Baby June, vaudeville star and sister of Gypsy Rose Lee, is dead. She was allegedly born in 1912, making her 98-years old. June outlived both her sister and infamous mother, Rose.

LATELY: Republicans Spend Money

To best prepare for election campaigns, national political committees often devote some of their financial stores toward the wooing of potential donors; here is a partial breakdown of how the Republicans have dipped into their coffers, to that end:

$17,000: private jets

$15,000: limousine service

$31,000: hotel accommodations

$2,000: dinner and a show at Hollywood topless club, "Voyeur."

After coming under fire for said spending, the Republican National Committee Chairman, Michael Steele, advised critics to "Shut up, step back, and get in the game...".

The RNC has opened an investigation.

COLORING CONTEST: Hutaree

Hutaree, n.

1. a Christian militant who is prepared to fight the Antichrist

2. an extreme religious group/cult, of which nine members were arrested on March 28, 2010 after plotting to shoot the police officers of Detroit

For inspiration, SEE IT.

WINNERS: Inventors Hall of Fame

The National Inventors Hall of Fame has announced its inductees for 2010. Among those who will be honored are Spencer Silver and Arthur Fry, who-- despite what some may have us believe-- invented the Post-It Note. Other winning creations include the aqua-lung, the first-ever home video game, and synthetic diamonds.

LATELY: Funding American Schools, and Not

The states of Delaware and Tennessee have convinced the Obama administration their plans for a public school system overhaul are innovative, and will be rewarded a combined prize worth $600 millions. The White House announced its "Race to the Top" competition in January, promising federal grant money to those states that show "exemplary progress in areas that President Obama considers crucial to education reform." The winning innovations? Delaware will receive $100,000,000 for eliminating those teachers who have been rated "ineffective" for three years, and Tennessee will get $500,000,000 after passing a law that allows the state to intervene in its own failing schools. It should be noted that these are only some of the proposed innovations, which were apparently more promising than those submitted by 38 other states.

Meanwhile, out in the Pacific, Hawaii has determined its education funding necessitates a four-day school week. Teachers will work the same amount of hours in what officials are dourly calling "Furlough Fridays," but cafeteria employees and bus drivers will see their pay decrease by--that's right--twenty percent. The Department of Education responds: "Generally, we are concerned about financial constraints leading to a reduction in learning time." Hawaii joins seventeen others states that have also resorted to the four-day plan.

BRIEFLY: Bills, Marijuana, Tree of Smoke

Lost amid Health Care:

1. Congress has voted to exclude commercial banks from the federal student loan racket. This means that students will now have to secure their school loans through their college's financial aid office. Before its passage, private banks argued that the measure would eliminate jobs and deny students the same "level of service."

2. Californians will vote this November on whether to legalize, tax, and regulate marijuana. Advocates claim the passage will raise $1.4 billions and save the state's thinning law enforcement/prison resources. Those interested in supporting the campaign are encouraged to make their donations in $4.20 installments.

3. Our man Michael D. Furlong, recently accused of going rogue in his compiling of a Middle Eastern War Zone Assassination Squad, denies any wrongdoing. He swears to having approval from central command, and that he is now being made the fall-guy in a turf war between the CIA and Pentagon.

LATELY: Hope for Hibernating Hearts

This is the zebrafish. The zebrafish lives in tropical freshwater and is a member of the minnow family. It enjoys zooplankton, insects, and phytoplankton; if those aren't available, it will enjoy almost anything else. Those who keep aquariums like to populate them with zebrafish. The zebrafish can grow a new heart.

Spaniards recently lopped off twenty percent of zebrafish ventricle, and stood by as the remaining cells began to glow youthful green, and regenerate.

Photo courtesy of Lukas Roth.

FIN DE SIECLE: When Katla Blows

Molten torrents continue to spring forth from Mount Eyjafjallajokull, as scientists eye the glacial cap that is slowly melting atop Mt. Katla. The ice over Katla is the only thing sealing the massive volcano against rupture, and therefore the only thing stopping a "global deep freeze" from likely ensuing. This is scientific extrapolation corroborated by history: when Katla unleashed its ire in the 1700s, it froze the Mississippi River.

The big freeze would go something like this: as hot lava runoff from Eyjafjallajokull unsettles the ice on Katla, a resulting eruption would expel tons of ash into the stratosphere and prevent solar rays from reaching the earth's surface. Here we have a perfectly natural, organic response to our planet's warming, and one that doesn't include rocketing two-foot-wide disks of silicon nitride into its orbit!

LATELY: Shock and Terror and Birds

Crafted to the tune of $10,000 and Ed Wood, this film is called "Birdemic." Here we have talons, blood, and shotguns-- all set against the trappings of a bucolic California town. After a cool rejection from the Sundance Festival, director James Nguyen took to driving around Park City with a vendetta and bird cacophony pumping from his stereo. Nights, he screened his film in post-festival party bars and filed for a U.S. trademark. His enterprise has not gone unrewarded: "Birdemic" is currently on a midnight run at the IFC Center, in New York, and its director can now legally bill himself as The Master of the Romantic Thriller TM.

You've seen this film before, but never like this. GET IT.

For more avian shock! and terror! see: Emi Brady.

POWERS TO MOTHER: Do Not Reproach Me

Reports surfaced on March 23 that China and Russia have realized they're big, and are getting friendly. The speed at which Washington announced its own "breakthrough" with Mother hardly seemed coincidental; their report, attributed to sources anonymous-but-official, materialized on March 24.

One needn't read terribly deep into these narratives to detect their diverging tones. In his talks with Russia, the future leader of China, Xi Jinping, is concerning himself with just that: the future. Xi and President Medvedev envision continued market prosperity and boom, a new world order that originates from the east. Meanwhile, the Obama administration is literally exchanging bullet points with the Kremlin: to date, those talks have mostly revolved around arms control and nuclear weaponry, around Bush-era missile shields and the lofty goal of "resetting relations"-- all of which does nothing but to trace, again and again, the shape of a closed circle. Some Americans claim they can see the Volga from our shoreline, shimmering, but Alaska is a long ways from Washington.

GOING ROGUE: Complete with Psy-Ops

What follows is the distillation of a compulsive, Tree-Of-Smoke of a story in which one imprudent official from the Department of Defense is cover-blown after having siphoned government money earmarked for intelligence into his own, more secret fund, which he then used to establish a spy network of private contractors in the -stans whose prime objective--and this still may be the case--was to track and kill alleged area militants, as filed by the Times on March 15. Alright then:

1. The assassination squad was assembled from former C.I.A. and Special Forces operatives. It's creator, Michael D. Furlong, was at the time operating under a euphemism: that is, "a benign government information-gathering program..."

2. "It is generally considered illegal for the military to hire contractors to act as covert spies;"

3. "The officials say they are not sure who condoned and supervised the project..."

4. but it may have been an attempt to "get around" the Pakistani habit of prohibiting American military personnel from operating in their country;

5. Officials say Mr. Furlong's operations "seem to have been shut down," that it is "still murky" as to whether he obtained any approvals or handshakes from central command...

6. And that it's "generally a bad idea to have freelancers running around a war zone pretending to be James Bond."

7. Finally, it is reported that "Mr. Furlong has extensive experience in 'psychological operations.'"

For more, read the on-record investigation, or the novel Tree of Smoke-- both of relative length.

LATELY: Volcanic Provocation

Today, Reuters reports that enormous Mount Katla is a) fuming under the influence of fellow Icelandic volcano, Eyjafjallajokull, and b) "wanting to get in on the action."

Eyjafjallajokull erupted after nearly 200 years on Saturday, and geophysicists now fear its growing intensity will inspire nearby Katla into a rage of steam and massive flood. It wouldn't be the first time: Mount Katla has been similarly compelled on three previous disturbances at Eyjafjallajokull.

SEE: Socotra Island

Where one may shade beneath the Dragon's Blood tree, and watch the bats.

COLORING CONTEST: Eyjafjallajokull

Eyjafjallajokull, n.

1. volcano in southern Iceland, dormant nearly 200 years

2. volcano in southern Iceland, active since March 21, 2010: after a fountaining of ash and molten lava, scientists call eruption mostly peaceful

3. a glacier

IN PURSUIT OF: Prince Charles

Foregoing Chopin, Prince Charles Takes Audience with Tatars, Polish Bison;

Leaves Duchess for Visit to Primeval Forest.

The Prince has eschewed genius relic for a day spent with ruminants. Shortly after landing in Poland while along their European Tour, Prince Charles left his wife to her nerves and set himself upon the countryside. Tracking the Prince as he traveled by helicopter and by car--encountering beast, mosque, Kruszyniany-- the terrain could be described as that of Scientific Romance itself.

There is little more we would ask of our royalty.

EXCLUSIVE

Click here to read the as-yet untitled screen treatment for the new Ellen Page film, set for release in fall 2040. Ms. Page will play Nancy Pelosi.

LATELY: The Pulitzer Prize

Citing its "exhaustive investigation of the John Edwards Conspiracy and Cover-Up," The National Enquirer reports it is under consideration for the Pulitzer Prize.

Also cited is The New York Times story about the Enquirer's report of the unofficial Edwards story, making the whole occasion seem "even more official with [the] elegant headline: 'Enquirer Is Eligbile for Pulitzer.'"

Here's hoping you take home the gold, National Enquirer.

Image stills from "The Hudsucker Proxy."

SEE: Amy Archer

HEADLINES: A20

TEXAS CONSERVATIVES SEEK DEEPER STAMP ON TEXTS

PANEL PROPOSES A SINGLE SET OF STANDARDS FOR THE

NATION'S SCHOOLS

KANSAS CITY WILL SHUTTER NEARLY HALF OF ITS

SCHOOLS

SUSHI SPOT IS CHARGED WITH SERVING WHALE

From The New York Times; page A20 (National)

March 11 2010

CONTEST WINNER: Ippy Patterson

Here you have it, the "Cockatrice," winner of our March 8th coloring contest. Note the deadly glance, and curious scales. For more Ippy Patterson and her Elizabethan bestiary, SEE IT.

CAUGHT: Jihad Jane

40-year old woman from Pennsylvania who reminds me of Montana (SEE: teased hair, women's groups) has been picked-up by the Fed after consorting with her fellow Jihadis and entertaining notions of international assassination!

LATELY: Congressional Tickling

Representative Eric Massa would like to draw the distinction between sexual harassment and tickling, and then he would like to resign. In what was supposed to be a birthday-celebratory-male-staffer-dog pile, some third-party became offended when the congressman made a quip about having sweet sexual intercourse with one of said male staffers. He's charged with a grope.

For more unrelated-related New York Democratic Ethic-Investigations, SEE: Gov. David Paterson, congressman Charles Rangel, and Eliot Spitzer.

COLORING CONTEST: "Cockalorum"

Cockalorum, n.

1. a strutting little fellow

2. the game of leapfrog

COLORING CONTEST: "Cockatrice"

Cockatrice, n.

1. a legendary serpent with a deadly glance, said to be hatched by a reptile from a cock's egg on a dunghill and often conceived of and represented - esp. in heraldry - as having the head, wings and legs of a cock and the tail of a serpent. Compare: basilisk.

2. an extremely offensive, esp. pernicious person

3. a prostitute